This week as I was getting things out for Christmas I found something that put me on an emotional roller coaster. I have a trunk that I keep things in. I haven't opened it in over a year and I needed to move it to the attic. I knew that I had some baby things that I am keeping. You know the usual stuff, like the outfit they wore home and the blanket that was made by an aunt. I also had some Christmas pillows that my great grandma made in it. So I sat on the bottom step and opened the trunk. I took out the pillows and started to look at the little baby things. The outfit that each of the three boys wore home were in there, along with a sweater and blanket that my mom made. There are really about 8 blankets in there and I know who made each of them. I found a few of my favorite outfits and the baby nightgown that we called the "baby bag." At the very bottom was the one that brought the emotion. I never really thought that I would get the weepy by seeing toddler pj's but I did.
You see these are not you normal teddy bear jammies. These are Kermit the Frog jammies. They are the cutest pj's in the history of pj's. They are light lime green with a darker lime green collar and band around the sleeve. These jammies were eather bought at a garage sale or were hand me downs. I really don't remember. The one thing I do remember was how beautiful Adam was when he wore these jammies. Adam was a toe head and has beautiful blue eyes. The green in these pj's made his hair and eyes even more beautiful.
After finding these jammies I sat on the step and closed my eyes. I could see my boy at about 14 months with his smile wearing these pj's. I could almost reach out and touch him. I could hear his footsteps as he ran though the house on the hardwood floor. I could see how his blonde bowl cut shined in the light. I was so happy sitting there remembering all this.
I sat there with my eyes closed holding those jammies and I started to get mad. I started to think about how all of the hopes and dreams we had for him were stolen from us, from him! I was getting mad that the boy who would play football in high school, hates to run or sweat! I was getting angry. I was angry that the boy who we had so many hopes and dreams for would most likely not be any of those things. No doctor or lawyer. Most likley no wife and family. Certainly no Heisman award. I was getting mad because everything I hoped for was stolen from us.
After a few minutes I started to cry. I was now very heartbroken and shame started to move in. I was heartbroken for the lose of my dreams. I was now starting to feel sorry for myself. I was starting to ask God why, why me, why us, why my little blue eyed blonde headed baby? Why, why, why...
The phone rang and I jumped. It was my mom. She called at just the right moment. I bottled up my sadness and talked. At the end of the call I told her that she called at just the right time. I told her of all that I just done while going though the trunk. She didn't really say much, but what she said really hit me. She said "Well you are human."
I hung up the phone and felt at peace again. I sat back down and looked down at the pj's. This time I smiled, held them up close to my heart and then put them back in the trunk. I then put the trunk in the attic. I sat back on the steps and started to think about what my mom had said. There are a lot of people that say God will only give you what you can handle. I agree somewhat to that. I beleive that God will only give you what you can handle with Him. I truely believe that without God I could not handle Autism. The only reason I can handle everything is because of my faith in God. Knowing that Jesus has "got my back" is the only thing that kept me going though the hard times. Oh boy did we have hard times. I remember one time being on my knees, beside Adams bed, tears running down my face, asking God to help us.
I still feel that little tug inside me that wants to think about the what if. What if he didn't have Autism? Well if he didn't I would never have seen Mara jump off the diving board at his birthday party. I would never have went to Special Olympics. I would never know so much about the Titanic. What if he didn't have Autism...then he wouldn't be my Adam. Those Kermit pj's will be in my attic forever. The memories will live in my heart forever, but I will keep going and I will be strong with the help of God. With God I can handle anything.
