So tonight I weeded my garden.  Not one of the things that are high on my to do list.  My husband and I were in the garage having a beer and talking.  We haven't had much time lately to just talk.  We were actually taking about what we needed to put in the camper, but hey we were talking right!  He went out the back garage door to the ally.  My garden is behind the shed and next to the garage.  We stood there for a minute and then we just started pulling weeds.  We did one row and he stood up.  I kept going and said that I might just finish because it was cooler out now.  Before I knew it he was weed eating around the back of the house, garage and shed.  Ben came to help me.  It took all of about 15 minutes to do the whole thing.  They were so easy to pull because the ground is so dry.

This garden is small.  I have 8 tomato plants, a cantalope, 5 pepper plants, a row of beans, and 1 plant each of three types of squash.  I love to can tomatoes.  I hate to can beans, but love to eat then raw off the plant.  I freeze the green peppers and use the hot peppers in salsa.  The squash we eat and love every meal the we get out of it.  I can feed my family of 5 off the tomatoes for a whole winter.  This is something my mother did and her mother before her.  I feel connected to my grandma when I can.  I used many of the same jars she had.  She passed when I was only 7 and I don't remember much about her.  Most of the things I know are stories that my mom, aunts, and unlces tell me.  Most of the jars that came from her are jelly glasses and those are my favorites!  She had some of the most beautiful jelly glasses I've ever seen.

My mother came from a very poor family.  She was the youngest of eleven children.  From things she tells me life was not easy.  Then again life isn't easy for anyone.  Her dad was born in 1903 and her mother was born in 1907.  They had a young family during the Great Depression.  They grew all their own food.  For them gardening was a have to not a want to! They had a lot of mouths to feed.  Everyone had to work to get through daily life. They didn't have indoor plumbing and they certainly didn't have a car. I don't really know if Grandma loved to garden and can the way I do. 

Life was very different back then.  The things that are part of everyday life for us was a luxury to them.  When I work in my little garden and I can the produce that cames out of it, I have pride.  Pride that I grew the food.  Pride that I know how to preserve it so that my family can enjoy it all year long.  Pride in knowing that the art of canning and growing came from my parents and grandparents.  Pride in a job well done. 

 My dads mom will be 84 in September.  The garden has always been something that she had to do to feed her family too.  However I get to hear her stories and I know just from listening to her that she has a passion for it.  She has a garden about three time the size of mine.  Every spring I tell her what I plan to grow and she tells me about her plans.  Every summer for the last 5 or 6 years she tells me that this is her last year planting.  I know better. It has kept her looking forward to the next day, week, and month to see what has grown.  I know that as long as she can walk she will plant.  I hope that my love for it is as strong as her.  My maternal grandma did it, but I never got to see if she had a passion for it like my paternal grandma.  I hope that someday I'll be able to pass on the jars from my maternal grandma.  More inportantly I hope to pass on the passion of gardening that my Meemaw has passed on to me.   Tonight when Ben came out and asked if he could help I was so  happy!  I feel blessed to be able to teach my children how to care for a garden.  I would love to teach them how to can.  My husband helps me if he's home so maybe they can help their wives.  With the fast pace of todays society I hope that they do carry on this on little thing that has been a big part of my family.  It's funny how a little thing like pulling weeds can make someone feel so good.

Stress

So am I losing my mind or what?  This is a honest question.  I seem to forget EVERYTHING lately.  I'm not sure anymore if I'm coming or going.  I have over scheduled myself so much in the last two weeks that I didn't even know what day it was today.  My wonderful husband got up this afternoon, looked at the thingy majig on the table and asked if I went to get the part for the camper fridge.  Well of course I didn't!  I completely forgot!  Why would I remember something like that?!?  Next he asked if I had got his meds refilled.  Well, I did try to do that on Sunday (actually it was my sis-in-law,but hey whatever), but they needed to call the doctor.  I called them back and of course they haven't heard from the doctors office yet.  I mean really!! After Josh's tee ball game, the boys and I go to Kroger in Lambertville to get the meds.  We also have to return a Redbox video game that Josh rented last night.  We go, return the game, and get a dino egg out of the vending machine.  As I'm pulling out and see a pharmacy tech getting into their car I remember why we drove to Lambertville anyway!  I forgot the dang med!!!  This is only a small example of how I think I'm losing my mind. 

Tonight was our last baseball game.  I am so happy that it's over!  Don't get me wrong, I love watching my boys play.  They are so funny sometimes.  I'm not so sure that baseball will be their thing.  Ben is still afraid of the ball.  He lets it go past him everytime.  He would reather chase the ball than catch it.  Josh is just plan bored.  I'm not sure if it's because tee ball is a boring game or if he just doesn't like it.  Tonight he got a hit, a good hit, and when he got on first base he sat down and started to put rocks on his head.  When he's up to bat he talks to the coach who is pitching the whole time.  His mouth never really stops.  Now that baseball is over the Summer should slow down right?!  Well....

Vacation Bible school is this week.  I'm the director.  That means I have to plan everything.  I have to get everything.  I make sure the leaders have everything.  Make sure we have everything for the crafts and for snack.  The biggest thing I have to do is be responsible for all the kids who are there.  It may sound like this is me complaining.  It's not, I LOVE every minute of it.  I love the kids who come and are excited about hears the lessons and doing the crafts.  I love to hear the kids learn the songs that thay sing.  I love when a child who never hears much about Jesus remembers their Bible verse for the day.  I love that I get to spend time with my dear friend, who is also my right hand, everyday!  I love the memories of my times at VBS as a child and how much I loved going everyday.  I love being the director for VBS.  I'm am a bit of a control freak about somethings so this fits me well.  So, I forgot the baskets this morning for Mary to serve bread out of...

We are going camping next month.  It's going to be a big trip and I've been kind of stressed out about it.  One night last week I was up all night puking.  I was so worried that we were not going to be able to go that I was making myself sick.  I was stressing about the money it's going to cost to do the things we wanted to, and about the price of gas.  I was a mess.  I had been helping put new roof on my in-laws house for the last two days.  Yes, I was on a roof taking shingles off and helping put new ones on.  My house looked like hurricane Jensen had been though it.  I was feeling defeated.  My mom came and helped me get things back in order.  I really don't know what I'd do without her sometimes.  I will say that I enjoyed doing the roof and helped all last week and weekend.

Though all of this stress I realized something.  Something that I know deep down in my soul.  Something that I had used to get though a lot more than just baseball, VBS, and a camping trip across four States.  This something is more powerful than anything you could ever imagine.  The Word of God.  That no matter how much I worry, God already has it all worked out.  I'm not usually that much of a worrier, but his time holy hannah have I been worried.  These things that have been stressing me out are minor.  They are things that I could very easily said no too.  These things are all things that I WANT to do.  I could never imagine not  wanting to see my boys play a sport.  I want to be the director for VBS, and I REALLY want to go on vacation with my husband family.  Through all of this I'm reminded of my favorite verse from the Bible.  The one that I go to all the time:

Matthew 6:33-34  33 But seek first His kingdom and  His  righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I know that what I'm stressing out about is all stuff that if it's Gods will then it will happen.  I no longer have the stress, but I still seem to be losing my mind at times.  I think that comes from having three boys with me everyday.  That too is something that I would never change.

No longer a baby.

So today my baby graduated....from kindergarten that is.  This was my last kindergarten graduation and it is bittersweet.

 When Adam graduated from kindergarten I felt pride and releaved.  Now he would be in school all day and I could get a little break.  Not a big break , but a VERY little one.  Ben and Josh were both still very little and I would now only have two at home all day.  I did have some tears, but they were from the pride that I had.  Okay... and maybe a little from the fact that he was forgotten in the slide show because he was the only ISD kid.

  Two years later came Benjamin's kindergarten graduation. He was so proud of himself.  He loved school.  He was a social butterfly and still is.  He is also tender hearted.  He is a very sensitive kid and I love this about him.  I didn't get tears at all with this one.  I was in somewhat of a funk when Ben was in kindergarten.  I had a very crazy work schedule and retail is not a forgiving career when it comes to kids. I was still trying to balance my work schedule and my family time and it wasn't working well at all!

  Fast forward two years later and here we are today!  It's Joshua's turn.  All he has talked about for the last week and a half was graduation.  When he woke up this morning he wanted to wear his "church cloths and shoes" as he put it.  I always lay down with him in the morning to wake him up because he is NOT a morning person.  This morning he woke up, smiled and said "graduation day today and lazy day tomorrow."  He ate his cereal and was ready before Ben even finished eating. He couldn't wait to get to school today.  He has really grown up this year. This graduation was a lot different than the others.  Not only was this my baby, but it was the realization that he wasn't a baby.  I had tears!  I had a lot more tears than I ever thought I would.  I have a few right now as I write.  My baby is no longer a baby.

  Our family has had a lot of changes in the last four years.  One thing has stayed the same...my joy of being their mom. 

Blessings.

I want to know how a single mother does it!  I think they have the hardset job ever.  I really don't know how I would ever manage to raise my three boys without my husband.  That being said, this week I feel like a single mother. 

I've been married for almost 14 years.  My husband is my very best friend in the world.   Matt is not only a great husband, but is an amazing Dad.  My mom once asked him if he could "babysit" the boys so I do something with her.  He said that a parent doesn't babysit their own children.  He is a very patient person and is a way better parent than I am.

Matt has been working like CRAZY the last two months.  He has worked just about every one of his days off.  We are trying very hard to save money to go on a big camping trip.  He took off Memorial day weekend so we could go camping.  It was great!!  However this week has been one thing after another and I feel like I have ran a marathon.  I knew that being a stay at home mom again was going to be busy but I really forgot how busy this really is.  I used to think that it would get easier as the boys got older.  HA...HA...HA...jokes on me!  I don't have time to do anything other than what the boys need and I really don't think I would want it any other way.  I do feel like a single parent these days but I know that it's going to be worth it when we go on our vacation next month.  I'm really looking forward to spending time with my husband before he starts working like crazy again.  God has given me so many blessings in my life and I think that my husband is the biggest blessing He gave me.  Without Matt I wouldn't have my boys, and they are the second biggest.  They used to ask me who I loved the most.  I would tell them that I loved them all the same, but I loved Daddy differant than them.  They would ask why and I told them that they can grow up and get married and leave me but their Dad can't!  He's stuck with me forever, and I'm so glad that I got stuck with him.

When we first got married my mom used to say that God sent Matt staight from heaven to me.  I think she was right.

What I should've said.

While I was getting my pjs on tonight and thinking about my day I was wondering how people take me.  What I mean is that sometimes I say things, and then hours later think, wow did I really say that.  I hope that I didn't offend anyone or that they didn't take it the wrong way.  I guess that sometimes I just don't know how to filter very well and say things that I don't really mean or they just come out different than what I'm saying in my head.  This is the reason Matt didn't talk to me the morning of Mothers Day.  I lost my filter and said something wrong. 

Tonight the boys and I went to my sister-in-laws for a Creative Memories party.  I was asked where on the Autism Spectrum Adam was.  It was a question from someone who has a child that is being tested for Aspergers.  It was a great question and I'm not the type to be offended by things.  My answer is that he has Autism however he is potty trained and his is vocal but doesn't communicate well.  So maybe my answer wasn't that great.  I was really kind of caught off guard with this.  No one has ever asked me this before so I really didn't know how to answer.  My SIL was quick to jump in and say that Adam is higher on the spectrum than a child with Aspergers.  I really sounded like a fool.  I mean really who just jumps in and says "Well he uses the toilet and can talk."  Okay, maybe I didn't use those exact words but that what I was thinking while getting my pjs on.  I can't believe that I would say something like this.  This woman is going through testing for her son and here I am making light of it as ususal.  Sometimes I forget that some people are just starting this journey and that in the beginning you want to hide from it and everyone.  That some days you question God  on why this is happening.  I've never been a "why me God?" person.  I'm not that way now, but for a short period of time I was. I know that His plan was for Adam to be mine.  I'm so very thankful that He gave me this child.  I do however sometimes forget how hard it is for a parent when they are just starting this whole ASD thing.  A while later Adam called me to look at his tooth because it was bleeding.  He sat down on the couch and I was telling him that I would take him to the dentist.  Both my sisters-in-law were telling him how they go to the dentist and he started yelling at them to stop talking to him.  I'm thinking that maybe the woman who asked about the spectrum just might know where he falls now.

After reading this I was reminded how when a someone told me that they got a diagnoses I was happy.  I actually said "Oh thats great."  I mean who says that?!?!  What I should have said was "Finally you got some answers.  Do you have any questions? " or  " This was helpful for me..."  No I was all smiley and happy that she got a diagnoses. I guess I'm a glass half full kind of person.

Oh and I also want to take a quick moment to say sorry about my bad grammer and poor spelling.  I was reading some of my posts and WOW  there's a lot of mistakes.  Please keep in mind that I write when I really should be in bed so I don't really pay much attention to the mistakes.  So it 12:10am and I have to be at the playground at 8:30am for tee ball pics so I guess I better get off here.

Slow down.

My last couple weeks have been really REALLY really busy so no postings lately.  I guess it's time to get started agian.

My Mothers day was eventfull.  Not the worst Mothers Day ever but it was the second.  The worst was the weekend that I had Ben and he had to be transfered from St. Charles to St. V's.  He never pooped after being born on Friday and by Sunday it was time to move him.  That's really another story for a different time.  Anyway, Mothers Day this year started out with my husband not talking to me.  Then we went to my parents house and my Dad passes out.  He does do this often.  However this time he stopped breathing so that was different.  The firemen came and then the EMT's.  God bless the Petersburg Fire Department and all of their wives and Mothers who share them on Holidays and Mothers Day!  When my mom and I got to the ER we had to wait for a LONG time before we could see him.  Guess he did the samething after he got to the hospital.  His blood pressure was very low and the nurse was staying with him to monitor it. After 5 hours of the ER they got him into the ICU.  It was about 8:00 when I then called Matt to come and get me.  About 5 minutes after I called him, he called me back.  His sister was very sick and the called 911.  My bad day just got worse!  My husbands family is very very close.  I fell in love with them all right away.  I've always been part of the family and they have always made it easy for me.  At this point my head was just spinning.  At the same time the nurse came in to tell us that my grandparents were there to see Dad so me, my brother and sister-in-law had to go so they could come in.  By then Matt should be there to get me so I went outside to wait.  We then traded places and he went to the hospital with his sister and I stayed wiht the boys.  So that was my Mothers Day.  Oh yeah, my brother bought me lunch/dinnner at the hospital so that was my BIG treat!

After all this excitement came the hard part.  I never mentioned that my boys were with my dad when he passed out.  They were there when my mother was shaking and saying over and over that he was dying.  She has never been this scared or upset when this happends to him.  My sis-in-law and I joke that we have to be the most cruel family out there because when he passes out now we just give him a blanket and wait for him to wake up.  This sounds very harsh but he has been doing this now for about 5 years and the doctors don't know what is wrong. So as I was saying my boys were with him and now they heard Grandma say he was dying.  They were scared!  Adam was crying and kept rocking and started flapping his hands.  That is something he hasn't done in a long time.  Ben and Josh were just scared.  They didn't cry but they didn't want to stay in the house.  They wanted to watch to make sure Gramps was okay.  They watched the firemen come.  They watched the EMTs leave with Gramps and now they are watching Meema cry.  That also never happends.  My mom is a very strong person.  She NEVER lets anyone see her cry!  Now they are with Matt at their other grandmas and they get a call that something is wrong at Aunt Na's.  Have I mentioned that my husband is the BEST!  He never let the kids know that anything was really wrong.  He just said that Aunt Na had to go to the doctor and that He was going to go too.  After they picked me up and Matt left the questions started to come.  Most of them came from Josh.  He is a very chatty child and wants to know everything.  In the end Aunt Na was okay and got to come home.  Gramps spent four days in ICU.  He came home but was still looking very gray.  The boys wanted to be at Meema's very day last week, but couldn't.  Gramps needed his rest.  They are now starting to slow down with the questions.  They haven't really talked about it much in the last couple days.  Ben did stay with them on Friday night and that helped. He could see that Gramps was doing better.
So I had a very busy week last week and now things are starting to slow down.  Yeah, RIGHT!!!  It's never slow around here!  So now I will go finish preping the kitchen for paint and get the laundry started and get the bathrooms cleaned and get the camper ready for next weekend and....

Did I mention that we were at the Urgent Care last night with Ben?!?!?!?  Maybe someday my life will slow down and I can breath, but I really don't think so.

This may be the start of...

Before I really get started tonight I need to let everyone know that I'm not a "poor me" kind of person.  I don't like to have people feel sorry for me or go around looking for sympathy.  That being said...


For the last 6 months I've seen a change in Adam.  He has always been hard at times to handle, but the last few months have been hard.  I always thought that the older he got the easier it would get.  I think I may have been wrong.  He has a hard time with change and he really don't like it when you try to explan things to him.  He wants EVERYTHING his way.  That is really hard when you have more than one child in a family.  We have been blessed with a wonderful family who helps as much as they can or that we'll let them.  Today we went to lunch and I showed Adam the kids menu and told him to find what he wanted to eat.  He was not happy about this because I wanted him to read it for himself.  He got upset and told me that he couldn't read.  I know that he can and I wanted him to read and pick his own food today.  I have never done this before and in looking back on the situation I know that is the reason he got so upset.  He then started to SPEEK.  TO.  ME. VERY. STERNLY. and wave his hand at me.  Now this is something that he does often and we are trying to get him to stop.  I put my hand on his arm and told him he needed to stop speeking to me like that.  He angery pushed my hand away and put his head down and started to grumble about not being able to read again.  This went on for a few more minutes but then he finally told me what he wanted.  Good thing just about every menu has chicken strips on it.  He spent the rest of the meal making that really annoying sound that the straw make when your at the end of you drink.  However he wasn't at the end, he just likes to make the slurping sound.  So the whole time that we were trying to enjoy our rare lunch out, Adam was causing some kind of disturbance.  This was nothing like when he used to sit under the table and scream but it has been some time that we've had behavior like this. 

Later on the boys and I went to my mother-in-laws.  Just so you know I'm very close to her and tell her things that I don't tell my mom or my husband.  Adam still is acting up and I hope that he will calm down at grandmas.  To make a long story short he yells at me that I don't need to boss him when I tell him to eat the cookie in the kitchen.  My sister-in-law is there and trys to help by saying that moms are the boss and he gets very upset with her and thows a piece of his cookie at her.  She was surprised!  He hasn't really acted like that in front of her before so I think she was shocked.  At Easter she asked if this behavior was new because he was just like this then too.  I told her it wasn't and that he just hasn't shared it with everyone yet.

I sometimes feel like I can't do this anymore, but then he does something that melts my heart.  He is a very sweet boy.  He is very polite because I really push the mannors at home.  There is truely nothing better then to hear him laugh.  His laughter brings joy in our home.  I wouldn't change a thing about him but sometimes I feel defeated.  He is my special gift from God.  For that reason alone I will keep going and I will do the very best I can to teach him about life. 

I saved this last night and wasn't sure if I would share it or not.  I always feel like peple will think I'm looking for their sympathy and I'm not.  Maybe, just maybe someone will read this and know what it's like.  Matt has a friend that is a child psychologist and works wiht many Autistic kids.  She told him last night that this may be the start of puberty, and it could get worse.  I can only pray that God gives me strength for the next few years!