Spring brings change.

Change is hard!  I think that it is not really the change, but the transition from the familiar to the new.  It's the actual process that is hard.  Once you get to the end result it's not that bad.  Most of the time your happy once you get to the goal line.  We deal with change everyday.  Some things we expect to change like the weather, and for those of us in Michigan we know that could happen a few times in a day.  Some things are life changing like a death or birth.  The changes our family is going though right now are a bit life altering.  How we handle the next few months is going to be interesting to say the least. 

Our middle son, Ben, has been going though something.  We aren't sure how things are going to turn out for him just yet, but we are working on it.  We need a lot of love and prayers right now for him and for Matt and I.  We are struggling to stay above water and we hope to find answers soon.  As soon as I know more I might let you all in on it. 

Matt and I have been doing some counseling.  We have been blessed with a strong marriage.  God has brought us together and He made Matt just for me.  How lucky am I to have found the best husband.  Our counseling is to help with the hard job of parenting our children.  Most people have kids and have no trouble being great parents.  We however are starting to have some trouble.  We really have a situation that a lot of people are never faced with.  The counseling is helping tremendously!  I've now started to sit back and relax just a bit when it comes to the kids.  We actually left them for the weekend last week.  It was the first time we went away in almost 10 years.  The last time we only had Adam.  It was great to get away and focus on us.  The counseling has also taught me that I need to try to be more understanding with my kids.  I have been told that I was not a good Mother before and I think that really cut deep.  I always feel that I'm being judged by those around me so I'm quick to react when I feel my boys are doing something "wrong" even though it may be some little thing that they can work out on their own.  Holy run on sentence!  Anyway, I've learned to ask "so what did we learn from this"  so that they learn how to solve their own problems.  I grew up in a house with a ton of yelling.  I thought it was what eveyone did.  Matt grew up in a house without yelling.  This has always been a problem with our parenting styles.  Matt never yells at the boys.  He is such an amazing parent.  I do, did, a lot of yelling.  I'm really trying to stop.  Tonight I handled a problem without yelling once.

The biggest change our family is facing right now is with Adam.  He will be changing schools in a few weeks.  This is a change that pretty much hit us in the face.  It will be a good change in the end.  It was one that we were prepared for in the fall, however it's happening now.  Adam's teacher needed to take the rest of the year off.  That is very hard on Autistic children.  The sub that they get may not be the sub they have for the next few months.  This was something that Adam had to deal with a few years ago and it didn't go well.  We decided to send him to his new school this year instead of next year.  That way he wouldn't have to deal with the change of a new sub every few days until they find a long term one.  The hard thing about this move is that it's middle school.  Adam is in 5th grade and he will be going to middle school.  I know that it is still an ISD classroom and that he will get all the support he needs, but it's still middle school.  My baby is going to MIDDLE SCHOOL!!!  This is hard for me.  It seems like yesterday I was putting him on the little preschool bus.  The tears are starting to flow.  I can't beleive my boy is growing up.  I'm excited because I know that he will learn so much more than he has in the last few years, but at this point I just want to curl up with him and keep him young for as long as possible.  As I sit here and type I keep remembering the Kermit the frog pj's.  Oh how I miss those days.

Change.  We need it to learn and to progress in life.  It is so very hard at times.  For our family, changes are for the good.  I just hope that through the next few months we are all more understanding of each other.  I know that it is something that is impossible to ask the kids, but for myself it is just what I need to be.

Treasures in the Trunk.

This week as I was getting things out for Christmas I found something that put me on an emotional roller coaster.  I have a trunk that I keep things in.  I haven't opened it in over a year and I needed to move it to the attic.  I knew that I had some baby things that I am keeping.  You know the usual stuff, like the outfit they wore home and the blanket that was made by an aunt.  I also had some Christmas pillows that my great grandma made in it.  So I sat on the bottom step and opened the trunk.  I took out the pillows and started to look at the little baby things.  The outfit that each of the three boys wore home were in there, along with a sweater and blanket that my mom made.  There are really about 8 blankets in there and I know who made each of them.  I found a few of my favorite outfits and the baby nightgown that we called the "baby bag."  At the very bottom was the one that brought the emotion.  I never really thought that I would get the weepy by seeing toddler pj's but I did.

You see these are not you normal teddy bear jammies.  These are Kermit the Frog jammies.  They are the cutest pj's in the history of pj's.  They are light lime green with a darker lime green collar and band around the sleeve.  These jammies were eather bought at a garage sale or were hand me downs.  I really don't remember.  The one thing I do remember was how beautiful Adam was when he wore these jammies.  Adam was a toe head and has beautiful blue eyes.  The green in these pj's made his hair and eyes even more beautiful. 

After finding these jammies I sat on the step and closed my eyes.  I could see my boy at about 14 months with his smile wearing these pj's.  I could almost reach out and touch him.  I could hear his footsteps as he ran though the house on the hardwood floor.  I could see how his blonde bowl cut shined in the light.  I was so happy sitting there remembering all this.

I sat there with my eyes closed holding those jammies and I started to get mad.  I started to think about how all of the hopes and dreams we had for him were stolen from us, from him!  I was getting mad that the boy who would play football in high school, hates to run or sweat!  I was getting angry.  I was angry that the boy who we had so many hopes and dreams for would most likely not be any of those things.  No doctor or lawyer.  Most likley no wife and family.  Certainly no Heisman award.  I was getting mad because everything I hoped for was stolen from us.

After a few minutes I started to cry.  I was now very heartbroken and shame started to move in.  I was heartbroken for the lose of my dreams.  I was now starting to feel sorry for myself.  I was starting to ask God why, why me, why us, why my little blue eyed blonde headed baby?  Why, why, why...

The phone rang and I jumped.  It was my mom.  She called at just the right moment.  I bottled up my sadness and talked.  At the end of the call I told her that she called at just the right time.  I told her of all that I just done while going though the trunk.  She didn't really say much, but what she said really hit me.  She said "Well you are human." 

I hung up the phone and felt at peace again.  I sat back down and looked down at the pj's.  This time I smiled, held them up close to my heart and then put them back in the trunk.  I then put the trunk in the attic.  I sat back on the steps and started to think about what my mom had said.  There are a lot of people that say God will only give you what you can handle. I agree somewhat to that.  I beleive that God will only give you what you can handle with Him.  I truely believe that without God I could not handle Autism.  The only reason I can handle everything is because of my faith in God.  Knowing that Jesus has "got my back" is the only thing that kept me going though the hard times.  Oh boy did we have hard times.  I remember one time being on my knees, beside Adams bed, tears running down my face, asking God to help us.

I still feel that little tug inside me that wants to think about the what if.  What if he didn't have Autism?  Well if he didn't I would never have seen Mara jump off the diving board at his birthday party.  I would never have went to Special Olympics.  I would never know so much about the Titanic.  What if he didn't have Autism...then he wouldn't be my Adam.  Those Kermit pj's will be in my attic forever.  The memories will live in my heart forever, but I will keep going and I will be strong with the help of God.  With God I can handle anything.

At a crossroad...

I wrote this last week but just got the time to reread it and publish it.  I know that many of you who read this will think I'm crazy, and maybe I am.  It just seems that we are at a crossroad in our life and we don't really know what way to go. So here it goes...


For the last few weeks I've been in a funk.  Things are out of control at our house and I'm not really sure why.  It seems like the school year keeps getting harder and harder for me.  Yes, me not the kids.  I have went from one kid to the next dealing with things that are happening at school.  Some of them are minor and some are pretty serious.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster that began on September 6th.  I really don't understand how things just keep getting crazier and crazier. My boys are all very different and they each are have trouble with their own things.  For Adam it's been more I am having trouble with things that are going on.  For Ben third grade has been hard socially.  For Josh it's been behavior and attitude.

When school started I wasn't ready to send them back.  I didn't want them to go to school and miss out on all the fun things we could be doing. The big trip this Summer has taught our boys a lot about our family, country and how things outside of little old Petersburg work.  They saw and did things that a lot of people only see in books.  They learned that video games are fun but being out in the woods could be a lot funner.  They saw places that had both history and sceince in them.  They learned about bats and how they are helpful to our planet.  They learned about bears and even got to see one.  They swam in a river that was running down a mountain.  They saw a dam and how it worked to create electricity.  They saw baby deer sleeping outside our camper.  These lessons are things that can only be taught in life.

They went back to school and things seem to fall apart.  Adam, who is now a 5th grader,  is not being challenged.  The things that are being taught are second grade level.  Yes I do understand that he tested at this level but what are we doing to change that?!?!  The homework that he is bringing home is the same stuff that he had in kindergarden, 1st, 2nd, and so on.  How is he going to be able to live a life without us if he is only taught addition?!  How is he goin to be able to buy groceries and pay bills if he can't do the math.  I understand that he learns different than the rest to the kids but why are we not challenging him.  I know he can do more.  During the summmer I make worksheets for the boys to work on.  I know that he can do more.

Ben has trouble socially.  He has friends but they are not close friends.  He plays with the same girl on recess every day.  Not a problem but when she plays with someone else, he just walks around by himself.  That is NOT what you want to hear from your child.  You want your kids to have friends and to be excepted by others.  Instead he is not.  This doesn't bother him and I do just let things be.   I would never go and make a big deal out of something that he's fine with.  However it does bother me.  The hopes of every mother is that their child will be liked and when your kid never really talks about having friends you worry.  He struggles with his school work, but seems to be doing ok.

Joshua is a smart little guy.  He picks up things very quickly.  He has two older brothers that he has learned from.  He knew his colors, letters, and numbers early.  He is a pretty good reader and likes to draw and paint.  He is an artsy fartsy kid.  He is also very quick to anger and thinks that he runs the house.  His trouble this year has been behavior.  Everyone has an opion on how to handle behavior issues.  From timeouts, behavior charts and even spanking.  This is the child that will drive me to the padded room.  I'm really at my wits end with him and I really don't know how to handle it anymore.  We have come up with yet another way to handle him this week.  I hope this one works because he may not see 7.  His birthday is next week and he's been told that if things don't change then no party.

For the last few weeks I've thought abut homeschooling.  I'm still not ready to say that we'll never do it but for right now we are sticking with the school.  The homeschooling advantages are really great.  I just don't know if we are ready to start a whole new lifestyle.  Thats pretty much what it is.  I love the idea of having them home and being able to do the teaching so I know what they are learning.   I love the idea of my kids not being bullied or teased because their best friend is a girl.  I love the idea of being able to teach them at their pace and to challenge them. I love the idea of the things we could do as a family to help them learn more about  the world around them and to have God as part of their daily lessons.  How beautiful is that!?!?  However, we are also not so sure we are up to the challenge.  We are not so sure we could handle them being here all the time.  We are not so sure we could deal with the melt down and fighting that would, not might, happen.  We are not so sure that I could handle the everyday of them being home.  I won't lie, I love the peace when they are at school.  I love the time I get to myself.   I love being able to do the shopping and running errends without them.  How do you juggle all that when you homeschool?  I know people who do it.  I envey how they can handle it all and still seem sane.  I really wish I were one of those people, and maybe someday I will be.  For now though I don't really know if I can do it.  I'm not ready to say no, but not really ready to say yes eather.

The words I never expected.

Tonight I heard the words that most moms take for granted.  Okay so maybe not take for granted but they do hear them and they hear them often.  I've even heard these words but tonight it was different.  Tonight they came from the boy who I never thought would say them.

I put the boys to bed at 8:30 everynight.  Most nights someone gets up at least once.  Most of the time it's Adam.  Last night he was up because he needed to throw up.  He does that a lot.  The night before it was because I took down his water bottle to be washed and he needed a drink.  So tonight he needed a breathing treatment and I had him come down for that after I put them to bed. 

He did his treatment and went to get a drink.  He went up and was back down in a few minutes.  He was talking about the fire drill they had at school that day and was starting to get upset.  He wanted to sleep with me.   I told him no and he went back upstairs.  Not a minute later he came back down again.  He stood in the doorway of the living room and just looked at me.  Then all of the sudden he came over to me, bent down and hugged me.  I know most of you are like "ummm  ok"  but this is a hugh thing for him and for me.  I get all warm and fuzzy inside and ask him were that came from.  He then said the words that all us moms love to hear.  He said  "it's' just to say I love you."  So who wouldn't get all sappy about that?!?  I just melt!  My eyes fill with tears and my heart is so full of love for this child that it feels like its going to burst.

You see, these are words that I never thought I would ever hear from him.  Sure I've said it to him and he's said I love you back, but it's always been  more of a response than his feelings.  Tonight he said it for real.  HE said it first!  This is one of the best things that I could ever hear come out of his mouth.  Don't get me wrong when Josh tells me he loves me more it melts my heart too, or when Ben runs and hugs me after school like I haven't seen him in days.   Yeah that pulls the strings too.  However this is way more than that.  This is almost an "in your face autisum!" 

My boys has overcome so much in his life that it's amazing.  To me though this is the biggest hurdle that he could ever jump.  The ability to let someone know how you feel is so easy for most of us but this is  a very hard thing for him.  I'm so very thankful that I got to feel those word tonight.  I thank God everyday for giving me my boys, but tonight I'm also thankful for the crazy journey that brought Adam and I to this very special moment in time.  Without Jesus being on my side I don't think I could have made it to this day.  Adam has taught all of us in this family so much more about life and the true meaning of it.  God has blessed us!  I hope that you all someday get your "in your face" day.  Your families struggle may not be with autism but what ever it is know that with God all things are possible.

Tidbits while Scraping Paint.

I've been busy getting ready to paint our house.  I dont believe the house has been painted in about 25 years.  The paint isn't really that hard to scrape but it does take a long time because our house isn't small.  I worked on it all day without any help.  My mind is always going a mile a minute so here is some of the things I thought of today....


Sure wish I could wiggle my nose and the painting was finished.

I really need safety glasses for this job.

I wonder how many times this house has been painted in the last 150 years.

Holy cow those nails are square!

I really hope a bat is not hiding out somewhere.

I wonder how long it took to build this house. 

Did they have a "good ole house raising?"

Wonder how many kids the first family who lived here had.

Sure hope the sun stays behind that cloud a little longer this time.

This is a lot easier than all that wall paper Missy and I scraped.

I think I may be a little like my grandma.  She would be doing this if she could.  She would also unclog a drain if she needed to too! 

Sure wish I had more tomatoes to can. 

I need to find out how to can Jalapenos.  I have a lot.

I miss visiting my Grandma Sarie in between classes when I was in colloege.

I wish my arms were like my grandmas when she was young.  I guess thats what you get when you milk cows everyday since you were 6.

I wonder if there are anymore wasp nests aournd or did Matt get them all.

Sure wish he would let me paint the house yellow.  We already ordered white.

Can't wait to put siding on this house in another 5 years.

We really need to get new windows.

Holy cow they used a lot of calk on this house.

Hey I can see the top of the little house next door.

Hey the sun is going down and it's before 8:00.  I don't like that.

I wonder who else I could invite to the painting party without feeling like I'm asking for help.

Why don't I like to ask for help?  I like to help others...

I wonder how many more pets Josh could possibly want. 

Can't wait to knock down the shed.  I need to get my jugs out of it first.


Yup just a few of the things I was thinking of as I scraped away today.  There were a lot more, but these were the ones I could remember.  I've been working on it for two days.  I enjoy working on the house, but sometimes I think it's going to kill us.  The changes we've made are great but the really hard ones are still to be done.  Maybe before Matt retires the house will be finished. I guess I should never be bored huh!

Our "bird" problem.

So remember when I mentioned bats the other day???

A few weeks ago I had a baby shower for my sister-in-law.  I went up to the attic to get out my antique baby bottles, as  I pulled down the ladder and saw a few droppings so I figured we had a mouse.  As I was getting the bottles out I looked up and saw bats.  EEEEWWWWWW!!!

So now what?!?!?!

After the shower I googled how to get ride of bats.  Did you know that they are protected?  I remember seeing that on Billy the Exterminator.  We called a company that said they took care of this and they said it would cost anywhere from $600 to $2600 to have them come out.  WHAT!!!!  Matt told them he would take care of it himself.  Of course they said that it took a professional and that they didn't think he could do it.

I googled some more and then came across the same method I saw on Billy. You hang bird netting on the house and they come out but can't go back in.  You leave it up for a few days and then seal up the places they were coming from.

We get all the supplies we need. We tell the kids that we have a problem with birds. After talking to a few people, we find out that this little problem is more common than you'd think.  People just don't talk about it.  I guess it's like that head lice thing and you don't want others to know. People think that if you have bats than you must have a dirty house. I don't have a dirty house.  Ok so maybe a little messy at times but I don't really know anyone who's house is perfect all the time.

So Friday came.  My parents took the kids overnight.  We hung the bird netting.  We got some beer.  Called some friends.  We watched as the bats came out.  We then went to the bar with said friends.  At the bar we talk to more people who have had trouble with bats.

After 4 days we start to seal the cracks that they were coming from.  Our house is very old and we find out that the metal roof that we just paid someone to fix last year was bad.  I guess he never really fixed it, he just painted it.  UGH! 

Anyhow...this sealing the cracks was way more work now because a lot of the wood was rotting.  We rented an arial lift, and started to replace the facia (not sure how to spell that) boards.  The lift was a piece of crap and should NOT have been for rent.  Matt got jolted by some bare wires and the stupid battery would not take a charge!  When we took it back the guy only charged us $70 instead of $200.  Just a heads up here but don't ever rent anything from A&E on Lewis.  We only got half the house done and then the rain started.  It then rained the rest of the week that we had to finish our little project.  Yup we still have half the house lined with netting.  I don't care how it looks I just don't want those critters back in the attic.

I still haven't went to check my stuff thats up there.  Most of my little treasures that I found in my house are stored there.  I have Better Homes and Gardens from the 60's.  There is vintage baby clothes, old valentine cards from the 30's, old books and more in the attic.  We have two attics.  The one the bats were in was the one that we just finished about 7 years ago.  We opened it up when we updated the big part of the house.  I will be heart broke if my treasures are ruined :(

On a good note the bats are gone!  I no longer have to worry about them.  Of course there was one night that I didn't sleep at all because of them.  They never got in the house but I was so worried that they would.  I kept thinking of a blog that I follow.  The women who writes it had a racoon in her attic and she wrote about how she couldn't sleep because she was afraid it would fall though the ceiling.        

Oh and one more thing, the other day I was folding clothes and noticed that the tee shirt that I got from Mammoth Caves had a bat on it.  I never even saw that when I bought it and I've worn it a few times.  I saw it and started laughing like a crazy person.   Not sure if I'll be wearing that shirt anymore!  :)

The End!

So Thursday was the day that Jen had to leave.  They had to drive to South Carolina.  They left around noon.  We were not in the mood to sit around or to go out on some big adventure.  So we went to the fish hatchery.  Joshua really enjoyed it.  There were these long cement pools were they put the fish.  After they grow they release them into the river that runs along the hatchery.  It was again about 105 degrees.  Josh made Matt walk all the way down one side and up the other.  It was about the lenght of a football field.  We then went down by the river.  The temperature dropped a good 25 degrees and the water was cold.  Later that night we went to dinner were Josh told a group of young girls they were all "beautiful ladies."  It was an eventful day.

On Friday we went to the spring and the guys swam.  It was fun.  They had a rope tied and they could swing out and jump.  Of course my dare devils did it!  Adam didn't want to try but enjoyed the swimming.  Here's a picture of Ben swinging. 



This was a county park and you didn't have to pay anything to go.   The kids had a great time and I think Matt really enjoyed swinging from the rope also!  Wonder if Grandpa could hang one of these babys up for the pool!   

This was our last day in Arkasas.  We decide to take two days to go home.  Smart idea, maybe I will give better directions if we are well rested on our drive home. 

We leave at about 9:00am on Saturday.  We  plan to only drive for 5 or 6 hours.  We make it to Illinois and stop at the rest area.  Maybe all rest areas are like this but we loved this one.  We went in and there were two ladies working at the desk.  I don't really go to rest areas, so I was surprised that they were there. One of the ladies asked Matt if she could help him find information on anything.  He asked if she had any on campgrounds.  She showed him the info, called the campground and booked us a site.  We got a discount at the campground because we booked from the rest area.  Holy cow talk about service!  I was releaved that we were not going to be looking for signs for campgrounds along the road.  So this is a big shout out to the Illinois rest area people...THANKS FOR SAVING MY SANITY!!!

Now with a map to the campground we head out to Effingham.  Ok so that is a pretty funny name for a city.  We still laugh about our stay in Effingham.  The campground was very easy to find.  They had a great little playground area for the kids.  I was pretty happy with the showers.  Other than being at our Aunt and Uncle's I've been taking a shower in the camper and it's not that big.  I was happy to have a good shower after a long day on the road.

We make it home the next day and I tell you I was so happy to see the Pure Michigan sign on 23!  The best part of the last 10 miles was the boys doing the aaahhhhh thing over the bumpy part on 23.  Matt and I now do it every time we travel that part of the road.

We had an amazing time on our trip.  I think I said thank you to my husband just about every day over those 18 days, with the exception of the few travel days.  We were so blessed that everything worked out and God made it possable for us to do this vacation.  I have an Uncle who often says there is no greater artist that God and I was so very happy that my children got to see what a beautiful land He gave us.  Thanks for reading this story of our first big National Parks camping trip.  I hope that you enjoyed reading it.  I'll leave you with one more picture of the trip.

Ben took this one when we were on our over priced train ride.  Not a bad picture for an 8 year old.  We look kind of worn out but we're still smiling.